Alcohoroscopes

ARIES (March 21 - April 20)
Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes
don't know when to call it a night. their competitive
streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests.
They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty
after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a
good way to get what you want out of them, should other
methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto,
but they will assume that whatever happened should be
forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be
counted on to do the same for you- so long as you
haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them
last night, you sneaky Gemini.


TAURUS (April 21 - May 21)
Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for
a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly
intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind
of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine
on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the
preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies)
to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the
rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any
means a tee-todler...god, no. A squiffy Taurus will
get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would
say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar
when intoxicated.


GEMINI (May 22 - June 21)
Geminis can drink without changing their behavior
much... they're so naturally chatty and
short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell
sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with
finesse and allusion then doing something to belie an
extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking
in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic ability to
flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very
tricky) with several people at once. They like to order
different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring-and
may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon
blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.


CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Cancer is a comfort drinker-and an extra wine with
dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra
comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow
water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard
against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out
secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP
lists-and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never
really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional"
(read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing
better than wapping stories (and spit) over a few
bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer.
Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also
rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you
served up a vanilla vodka and soda.


LEO (July 23 - August 21)
Leo likes to drink and dance-they're often fabulous
dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well,
losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish.
Of course, they're quite aware they're darling - Leos
will be Leos, after all. They generally know their
limit, probably because they loathe losing
self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect
flirting to ensue-and perhaps not with the one that
brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules
even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder,
Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to
make it up to you the
next day.


VIRGO (August 22 - September 23)
Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto
their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity
could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure-but
it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking
down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely
get fully shellacked-but, oh, when they do Virgo's
controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled
beast lurking within, and they let it loose when
walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy).
As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to
drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight."
A toast to the subgenius IQ!


LIBRA (September 24 - October 23)
"I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht
that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than
to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped
in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to
"on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are
little instigators when bored), the Scales can really
work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are
notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can
get them into all sorts of trouble-including wearing
their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening,
flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking
out the night's events entirely. Oops!


SCORPIO (October 24 - November 22)
Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for
they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep
tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of
100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you
if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the
sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a
personality-altering tool-though if depressed,
self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But
generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant
conversationalists and dizzying flirts.They also
remember everything -- especially what you did when
you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes
you.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 - December 22)
In vino verit as-and, for Sagittarius, in booze
blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your
secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside,
Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a
sign of serious partying (what else would you expect
from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush
twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who
chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire
crowd to travel somewhere else-like a nightclub, or a
playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to
ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping;
spontaneous)

CAPRICORN (December 23 - January 20)
Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast,
money-hungry and status-thirsty-no wonder they get left
off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is
the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to
mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star:
independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not
too eager to please. And if they make money being
themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most
rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off,
and they generally need a little social lubricant to
loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they
can hook up with a cute groupie.


AQUARIUS (January 21 - February 19)
Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well
(except for water, that is). They have an innate
tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea
while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a
stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an
outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their
duties to get combative-and they make perfectly
charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're
usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best
designated drivers (if you can get them before they
start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by
drunk people and capable of holding interesting
conversations with soused strangers while sober.


PISCES (February 20 - March 20)
If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that
you share a sign and an addictive personality-with Liz
Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do
Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there
feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a
mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like
that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting
partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the
right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of
margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The
phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways,
you know.